PUBLISHED IN: [GHOSTWRITTEN]

Run for your life! Here’s how to be the swole survivor in a horror movie. (Don’t say we didn’t warn you!)

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We’ve all seen the commercial: four teens are running from a homicidal maniac. There’s a car in the driveway — and it’s running, no less. What do the victims do? They head for a creepy barn instead.

We know you’d never be this smooth-brained if you were caught in a similar situation. But what if you were stuck inside a horror movie and you had to rely on your own brains and brawn?

Never fear: we’ve compiled a list of the Top 6 pieces of fitness equipment so you can kick butt instead of kicking the bucket. Here are our favorite workout choices to become the swole survivor in a horror movie.

(Bonus: we’ll show you how to grab your own so you can get buff ahead of time. Click the links for info…and good luck!)

Endurance Running: Treadmill

After you make your way out of that pit with the lotion and the little dog, you’re going to have to high-tail it out of there. Are you in shape to run like your life depends on it?

Make sure you get yourself into top shape with a treadmill. Go for a model that adjusts the speed and incline so you can train for sprints plus endurance.

More terrified of the price than the horror villain? Don’t worry: treadmills don’t have to slay your budget. Our suggestion: go for mid-range priced model that’s customer-approved.

Pros of Treadmill Fitness Equipment:

• Adjusts to your level, from huff-and-puffing to the kitchen and back, to “I want to go to the Zombie Olympics so badly I can taste it.”
• Affordable, home-use models save your money and your dignity.
• Doubles as a clean clothing rack when you’re trying to ignore the fact that you haven’t worked out in a few days. Sorry, a few weeks. (Our bad.)

Distance Defense: Training Javelin

Yes, really. Let’s face it, there are times in horror movie situations where you don’t want to get too close. (The Alien franchise, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Thing come to mind.)

Get your throwing arm in killer shape with a training javelin. Worried about safety? This piece of exercise equipment is blunt at the end so you don’t nail anything until you really want to.

Pros of Training Javelin Fitness Equipment:

• You’ll be in shape to throw anything that’s available: disc records like Shaun of the Dead; gremlins; that neighbor who wants to eat you.
• Your shoulders will look so great, even the monster will be stunned.
• The first victims in horror movies tend to have underwhelming physiques…just saying.

Forearm Strength: Hand and Wrist Grip

Speaking of nailing things, have you ever tried to pierce someone’s chest cavity with a stake or piece of iron? We hope you’re ready to do so, because in the old Hammer films as well as Bram Stoker’s Dracula, that’s how vampires are generally slayed.

Get a grip on the situation with a hand and forearm strengthener. Go oldschool with a grip hand strengthener, or defeat the Head Vampire with a forearm blaster.

Pros of Hand and Wrist Grip Fitness Equipment:

• Squeeze it any time, anywhere and look cool.
• Portable, affordable, and can be taken wherever you may accidentally run into a murderous cannibal.
• Gives your forearms the strength to do what your hypnotized fellow slayer can’t.

Shoulder Strength: Home Rowing Machine

Gabe could have taken this tip in the movie Us instead of struggling with the motorboat. And we’ll bet the Signs characters could have used this tip, too: some monsters hate water.

Cornered by the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz or a bunch of creeps who look just like you? Row, row, row your butt right out of there with the jaw-dropping upper strength a rowing machine gives you. You’ll need to train for a few weeks in advance, so don’t wait on this life-saving device.

Think a rower is too big for your horror movie survival budget? Think again: today’s generation of rowing machines are more compact and more wallet-conscious than ever. Choose something portable so you can take your rower on your vacation to Camp Crystal Lake.

Pros of Rowing Machine Fitness Equipment:

• After you save the babe or boi, you can take them on a romantic boat ride. (Wash the gore off first.)
• Your core will get a great workout too, and who doesn’t want killer abs?
• Fold it up and take it along in that Jeep you’re planning on not driving away in, since you’ll be running into the woods instead.

Overall Body Strength: Free Weights

For those times that the monster’s legs are longer (or faster), you’ll need upper and lower body strength. And don’t forget that core — after all, that’s the place a cunning cannibal or starving zombie goes for first.

Who needs a gym when you can train to throw gingerbread men around in your own home? Go for a set of dumbbells that includes a bar so you can do squats and deadlifts as well as lying and standing exercises. We suggest an adjustable bar and set of starter weights; you can work your way up as you build more strength.

Pros of Free Weights Fitness Equipment:

• If you’re not buff yet, you can throw one at the monster.
• Body parts — living ones, we mean — may gain strength unevenly. With free weights, you can increase resistance on your arms when they’re ready but not for your squats if your thighs aren’t quite “there” yet.
• You won’t realize you’re the one they’re referring to as a dumbbell when you don’t get into that car.

Balance: Fitness Balance Board

You can be quick, strong and presumably smart…and still trip things up at the last moment. (Remember Laurie from Halloween?) So don’t forget adding some balance into your horror movie survival routine. Our take: a balance board is a must-have if you’re planning on being chased any time soon.

As a bonus, balance boards and other balance fitness equipment give your abs and entire core (including your mid- and lower back) an amazing workout so you look great even when you aren’t running for your life.

Look for a balance disc or balance ball that’s rated for safety so you don’t take yourself out before the villain ever does.

Pros of Balance Board/Ball Fitness Equipment:

• They’re fun, and who doesn’t want to exit their existence smiling?
• Believe it or not, between balancing with your arms and staying on the board, you’ll work out virtually your entire body.
• Any age from teens to adults can use them, so you won’t have to run back to save the kid who’s standing there crying helplessly (War of the Worlds, anyone?).

The Take Home

Surviving a horror movie isn’t just about running for your life. And since so many would-be victims seem to be stunned into, well, ill-fated decisions, brute strength may come into play.

Don’t be caught out in the middle of deadly trees or a hunger-inducing virus without a buff bod. In the game of survival, the fitness training equipment machines we’ve listed will put you head and shoulders above the rest.

Get fit, have fun — and happy Halloween, you swole survivor!